About half of all marriages end in divorce. And if you're in a band? Those divorce rates are closer to 95 percent. That's not a scientific fact. It's just me looking through my vinyl collection (yes, I have a vinyl collection) and lamenting all the groups I love who are now no more. The Beatles, the Smiths, the Bay City Rollers, Wham! All the greats ended up going their separate ways.
And even before the breakup, some groups can be like abusive marriages, full of yelling, throwing stuff across rooms, making threats, beheadings (OK, maybe not beheadings). And you can't even call the police, because no cop cares about a disgruntled lead singer throwing a bowl of brown M&Ms at his drummer.
However, once a band is bust, all bets are off. Colin Hay, the lead singer of '80s Aussie group Men At Work recently called the cops on his former guitarist, who reportedly threatened to kill him. Now the guitarist is due in court to explain. Maybe he can also explain that "Down Under" video. That one was strange.
But just as the most volatile marriages are often the most passionate, the same holds true for abusive band relationships. It's the dudes who hate each other the most who make the best music. Call it a musical law. Again, it's not a scientific fact, just an observation proven by my record collection.
Here are some of the most dysfunctional, volatile band relationships in rock history. I wouldn't want to be in between any of these dudes when they were at one another's throats, but I'm glad they stuck it out long enough to leave me some of my favorite music. I play it after every fight with my wife.
THE JESUS AND MARY CHAIN
Most musical group tension originates from siblings. Brothers shouldn't marry each other, and they shouldn't be in bands together. It makes the whole family suffer. Jim and William Reid are the poster children for brotherly bandmate abuse. Throughout the '80s, they made a career of popping pills, playing notoriously short shows, and beating the hell out of each other and the occasional audience member. After William walked offstage 15 minutes into a 1998 gig (Jim was reportedly so drunk he couldn't sing), it was over for good. Or at least until 2007, when they reunited for the Coachella Festival.
THE POLICE
Who can blame Stewart Copeland for getting pissed off? He formed his band in 1977 and almost immediately all eyes (and songwriting royalties) went to Sting. Plus, you've got to wonder: how easy can it be to play in a group with Sting? Predictably, the rest of the band's career was heavily angst-ridden. Full of backstage brawls, passive-aggressive videos (smiling and slapping each other in "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic"), tense interviews, and an album cover ("Ghost in the Machine") featuring the band represented as digital LED displays because they couldn't agree on a photo. It took them 23 years to bury the hatchet and milk the reunion-tour machine.
VAN HALEN
Here's the problem: the only reason David Lee Roth got the gig as Van Halen's frontman was because he had a PA system (it was cheaper than renting it from him). That's like marrying someone for their money. The relationship was destined to fail. For eleven years, Van Halen was a tightrope act between Roth's vaudeville-meets-jujitsu shtick and Eddie's booze-and-drug-fueled guitar godliness. Once they released their '84 hit "Jump," the creative differences were beyond repair (Roth wasn't digging Eddie's new cheesy keyboard sound). Onstage that year the two were known to argue behind the stack of amps. Like the Police, time healed old wounds, and the guys played nice for a 2007-08 reunion tour... without original bass player, Michael Anthony, who was sacked for Eddie's 17-year-old son, Wolfgang.
OASIS
Another pair of siblings who just can't get along, Liam and Noel Gallagher shared a room as kids. Liam found enjoyment in taunting his older brother. Things didn't change when Oasis hit the big time. At the peak of their late '90s conquest, Liam decided to back out of an "MTV Unplugged" appearance at the last minute, citing a sore throat. Guitarist Noel took over lead singing duties. Still, Liam's throat felt good enough for him to heckle his brother from the balcony during the performance. No word if they share a room on the road. Probably not.
EAGLES
For a band that has produced such easygoing music, the Eagles had a whole lotta tension. With constantly clashing egos, the band went through several personnel changes (co-founding bassist Randy Meisner announced his departure by dumping a beer over Glenn Frey's head). They broke up in 1980 after an infamous Long Beach concert (dubbed "The Long Night in Wrong Beach"), in which Frey and Don Felder spent the night describing to the audience how they were going to beat each other after the show. Their last album was completed with the members in different states. Don Henley said the Eagles would reunite "when Hell freezes over." It did in 1994, and they've been on-again, off-again ever since.
BRIAN JONESTOWN MASSACRE
Famously documented in the film "DiG!," the San Francisco-based band is a case study in musical dysfunction. More than 50 musicians have come and gone since its inception. Why is it so difficult being in a band with Anton Newcombe, the group's founder and volatile visionary? Here's one reason: he got in a fistfight with his bandmates in 1996 during a record label showcase gig. Needless to say, they didn't get signed.
METALLICA
You know it's bad when a group full of raging alcoholics kicks you out of the band for being too much of a drunk. Lead guitarist Dave Mustaine battled his bandmates for two years. He poured beer on their instruments, and he got into fights over his dog's behavior — Mustaine's dog scratched bass player Ron McGovney's car; Mustaine's dog got kicked; McGovney got punched. After arriving in New York to record their debut album, "Kill 'Em All," the band made one stop before heading for the studio: a Greyhound bus station, where they sent Mustaine and his gear back to California. Mustaine and his former bandmates got to patch things up in a group therapy session captured on film for the 2004 doc "Some Kind of Monster."
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